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Thu, Nov. 9th, 2006, 01:02 pm

my future is bright, i feel alive. hello life. i love you New York.

Fri, Nov. 3rd, 2006, 01:43 pm
My thoughts, from last night.......

And so now it is over. There is no more, there is no going back. There is no pretending.
This is the end.
And where we have to say goobye.

So now i sit, curled in a new bed, surrounded by clean sheets, warm and safe with Oscar sleeping close by.
And i know, if i pick my pillow carefully, and breathe in deep enough, he will be there.

I dream of a day other than today, I wish for it, because i swear it will be easier than this.

And so now while my heart breaks over what i've lost, a dream, an idea, lost today, lost six months ago, lost forever. I will close my eyes and dream, of fields of flowers and peace, force myself to be there, for only there can i be free.

Mon, Oct. 23rd, 2006, 06:59 pm

oh yea. and it turns out good friends are hard to find.
Im glad I've got a good few. sad that they are nowhere near me.

Mon, Oct. 23rd, 2006, 05:28 pm

I have a shitload of very mixed feelings flowing through my body right now.

So i think I will ignore them for a night. I will drink instead and try not to think about how badly I would love a cigarette after every damn sip. Or gulp at this rate.

Tonight I hit hibernation. and I know it's not winter yet.
You'll probably find me chasing Oscar under my comforter, giggling like a schoolgirl, hopefully very drunk and without a care in the world.....(fingers crossed I dont actually end up crying like a baby instead)

Tonight the world and my life can fuck off.

Fri, Oct. 20th, 2006, 04:22 pm

"anna" on ikea.com just made me laugh.

when i said "sigh" she said "don't worry about it too much"
when i said "no shit" she said "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me."
when i said "fuck you" she said "I wish I knew what it was you meant by that, but I don't. Sorry."
Ha!!! Ha!!!!
and when i said "you're great" she said "My users are great. My company, IKEA, is great."

this is true, Ikea is. and Anna is pretty funny too.

Fri, Oct. 20th, 2006, 02:01 pm

Mingling with the rich and famous.....
Wish I could divulge all I've been up to...but I dont want to get in trouble!
I wish I'd gone to that party with Helen Hunt and the delish Colin Firth...

check it.

Wed, Oct. 18th, 2006, 05:47 pm

There are changes brewing.
I'm finally getting on track with money and work. now I just need to clear up the other little details.
I've been invited out to the Hamptons darling!!...... It's going to be totally amazing and I can't wait!!!
Funny how the smallest things give me hope. I'm holding on and I'm looking forward. And it feels good.
Thinking about buying a new bed, my new bed. and the new goodies i'll be buying for my apartment. I've had some amazing ideas and i'm getting excited!!
Thinking about Christmas, my family and I in my apartment all eating delish food, Oscar and Rufus looking at us all waiting for the scraps!! There are stockings on my fireplace, there is snow falling outside, the christmas tree I bought just before they all arrived is twinkling in the corner. It's going to be the best christmas ever. And New York City is just outside my door. And I just can't wait.
This is worth fighting for, this is worth living for. I have hope and I have my dreams.

I love my life, even for all its flaws.

Mon, Oct. 16th, 2006, 03:52 pm

"DEEP BREATHING PERHAPS THE SINGLE MOST POWERFUL AND IMPORTANT TECHNIQUE Every time you want a cigarette, do the following. Do it three times.

Inhale the deepest lung-full of air you can, and then, very slowly, exhale. Purse your lips so that the air must come out slowly.

As you exhale, close your eyes, and let your chin gradually sink over onto your chest. Visualize all the tension leaving your body, slowly draining out of your fingers and toes, just flowing on out.

This is a variation of an ancient yoga technique from India, and is VERY centering and relaxing. If you practice this, you'll be able to use it for any future stressful situation you find yourself in. And it will be your greatest weapon during the strong cravings sure to assault you over the first few days.

This deep breathing technique will be a vital help to you. Reread this point now, and as you do, try it for the first time. Inhale and exhale three times. See for yourself!

The first few days, drink LOTS of water and fluids to help flush out the nicotine and other poisons from your body.

Remember that the urge to smoke only lasts a few minutes, and will then pass. The urges gradually become farther and farther apart as the days go by.

Do your very best to stay away from alcohol, sugar and coffee the first week or longer, as these tend to stimulate the desire for a cigarette. Avoid fatty foods, as your metabolism will slow down a bit without the nicotine, and you may gain weight even if you eat the same amount as before quitting. So discipline about diet is extra important now. No one ever said acquiring new habits would be easy!

Nibble on low calorie foods like celery, apples and carrots. Chew gum or suck on cinnamon sticks.

Stretch out your meals; eat slowly and wait a bit between bites.

After dinner, instead of a cigarette, treat yourself to a cup of mint tea or a peppermint candy.

In one study, about 25% of quitters found that an oral substitute was invaluable. Another 25% didn't like the idea at all -- they wanted a clean break with cigarettes. The rest weren't certain. Personally, I found a cigarette substitute to be a tremendous help. The nicotine inhaler (by prescription) is one way to go: it's a shortened plastic cigarette, with a replaceable nicotine capsule inside.

A simpler way to go is bottled cinnamon sticks, available at any supermarket. I used these every time I quit, and they really helped me. I would chew on them, inhale air through them, and handle them like cigarettes. After a while, they would get pretty chewed up on one end -- but I'd laugh, reverse them and chew on the other end. Others may prefer to start a fresh stick. Once someone asked me, "Excuse me, but is that an exploded firecracker in your mouth?" I replied that I was quitting smoking – and they smiled and became supportive. Luckily, I never needed the cinnamon sticks after the first three days of being a nonsmoker.

Go to a gym, sit in the steam, exercise. Change your normal routine – take time to walk or even jog around the block or in a local park.

Look in the yellow pages under Yoga, and take a class – they're GREAT! Get a one hour massage, take a long bath -- pamper yourself.

Ask for support from coworkers, friends and family members. Ask for their tolerance. Let them know you're quitting, and that you might be edgy or grumpy for a few days. If you don't ask for support, you certainly won't get any. If you do, you'll be surprised how much it can help. Take a chance -- try it and see!

Ask friends and family members not to smoke in your presence. Don't be afraid to ask. This is more important than you may realize.

On your quit day, hide all ashtrays and destroy all your cigarettes, preferably with water, so no part of them is smokeable.

Write down ten good things about being a nonsmoker -- and then write out ten bad things about smoking. Do it. It really helps.

Don't pretend smoking wasn't enjoyable – it was. This is like losing a good friend – and it's okay to grieve the loss. Feel that grief, don't worry, it's okay. Feel, and you heal. Stay with it -- you can do it!

Several times a day, quietly repeat to yourself the affirmation, "I am a nonsmoker." Many quitters see themselves as smokers who are just not smoking for the moment. They have a self-image as smokers who still want a cigarette. Silently repeating the affirmation "I am a nonsmoker" will help you change your view of yourself, and, even if it may seem silly to you, this is actually useful. Use it!

Here is perhaps the most valuable information among these points. In Phase 2, the period which begins a few weeks after quitting, the urges to smoke will subside considerably. However, it's vital to understand that from time to time, you will still be suddenly overwhelmed with a desire for "just one cigarette." This will happen unexpectedly, during moments of stress, whether negative stress or positive (at a party, or on vacation). If you are unprepared to resist, succumbing to that "one cigarette" will lead you directly back to smoking. Remember the following secret: in these surprise attacks during Phase 2 -- and they will definitely come -- do your deep breathing, and hold on for five minutes, and the urge will pass."

oh god....this is so hard. and they tell you not to go through all this alone. im fucked, but hell, im going to try anyway.

Fri, Oct. 13th, 2006, 10:53 am

I'm Tired.
I wish I was in bed, all curled up and warm and snuggly.
But it's not just sleep I need. I want a break. I want to hide.

I want more than anything, a hug. I want to be told that everything is going to be okay. Because it is right?

But I can't. Instead I'm at work, eating a bacon and egg sandwich (which is delish) and a hot coffee.
All I've got to do is make it to the end of the day. I just need to make it safely to bed so I can run away again.
Tomorrow I will deal with when it comes, every day at a time right?

Wed, Oct. 11th, 2006, 01:53 pm

pet hate....the slaughtering of the English language.

"You know there's an H infront of Herb right?"
(a confused look.....so I add...)
"it's Herb instead of 'erb"
"so why is it said 'erb?"
"um..." (as i wonder if they can take my sarcasm) "....laziness?"
(oops, maybe not!)

and...the word niche....
its not said "Nitch" for gods sake.... Its bloody French.
And is pronounced "Neeesh"
It comes from old school French: Nichier - "to nest"
Even though the English stole the damn word at least they can pronounce it.


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